Name withheld to protect his privacy;
I just sent you all my questions and concerns….all the red flags and warnings. I know I said a lot. I’m not sorry for the way I feel, nor am I sorry for anything that I said, and I’m not sorry for trusting my gut….
But I am sorry for some things:
I’m sorry I didn’t tell you this:
You know when I said the other day that I looked in the mirror and saw a beautiful, happy face looking back at me? I still feel that way. For the time that we have had together, I have been happy. Frankly, what I feel has less to do with you than it has to do with me. I have always been so secure in nearly every area of my life. My greatest area of insecurity was my body image.
When you are a 4-year-old child and a grown man chokes you to near unconsciousness and shoves his penis in your mouth, ejaculates and orders you to swallow; Or when your mom has a friend come over who offers you a “Piggy Back ride” and takes the opportunity to touch tough your genitals and ask if you like it; You have a warped view of sex and adults.
When you are in 4th grade and one of your classmates comes behind you and grabs your breasts and says vulgarities in your ear, you don’t know what to think. What did I do to make him think it was OK to touch me and talk to me like that.
When you are a beautiful girl of 12 who repeatedly has cars drive by and wolf-whistle, show moons, and have boys follow you on your way home, the entire way threatening to cut off your “titties” and do unimaginable things to your body – you begin to think of your body as an enemy.
So I began to put on weight. The weight was a protection. The layer of fat was an effective barrier against the unwanted vulgarities that I had previously experienced in my life.
However, a point comes in every person’s life when they long to experience all that love has to offer, including the physical aspects of intimacy. I made a concerted effort to lose weight and was very successful. While visiting my sister in Atlanta, I met a neighbor of hers who was very flattering and interested in me. He was suddenly very interested when he learned that I was a virgin. He made it his goal to rectify that situation, and I am sad to say that I was persuaded. Once he had completed the act, he was uncaring, uninterested in my feelings and literally pushed me out of the bed. Now, I feel even less pleased about my body. This has seemed to further complicate my body image. I have packed on the pounds more-so. It’s a constant fight to protect my self, but wanting to be touched.
Any way, my life goes on and I fall in love with a man who seems to love me, too. But as things are getting very serious between us, he tells me that he is attracted to someone else. I encourage him to pursue her, because I really do love him, and I want him to be happy, even if that’s not with me. He tells me later, he did love me, but he had sex with her and felt that he had to “do the right thing”. Later on, he wanted me back, but it was too late then. He had made his choice, he had to stick with it.
Later on, I fell in love with my best friend. The reality is that I still love him. You said that you felt that we were already married, and I can completely identify with that feeling. That is exactly the way that I felt (and still feel) about XXXX. The dream that I told you about (but I’m not sure that you even really read it) was during the time that XXXX and I were together. It has always been my opinion that it was in fact a promise about him, but he has been clear that he does not have romantic feelings for me and never will. So I have attempted to honor his feelings. To move on with my life and to earnestly seek out someone else.
So here you come along. At first glance, you seem too good to be true. You espouse all the right words and you don’t move too fast. But there are concerns…I am naturally suspicious of men given my history. However I make a conscious choice to give this relationship my all. So here we are again, me looking in the mirror and loving what I see. Loving what I feel. And most of all, loving myself. I know that I am worthy of love. I am worthy of physical affection. I know that I am a woman that is desirable and I refuse to settle for anything less than God’s best for me.
You have done that for me. This relationship has done that for me. You may be real. I still don’t know. Signs point to no. But regardless, I am glad to have known you, Real or Not. That doesn’t mean I want to jump back into conversations full of lies. What it does mean is that talking through all my insecurities and cautions has allowed me to have catharsis and closure.
I am ready to move forward. I am ready to be loved. I am ready to let go of lost love. I am ready to let go of my protective covering of fat. I am ready to LOVE ME!!!! So no matter who you are, no matter what your reasoning for contacing me, I am glad.
All things work together for good for them that love God and are called according to His purpose. (Romans 8:28) That fully describes me. It would be great to hear back from you with a complete confession so that I can say to myself “See, I was right.”, but it’s not necessary. I know in my heart what the answer is, and I can thank God for giving me the ability to discern truth. And frankly, I don’t see it in you.
I’m going to take my newly happy, glowing, beautiful face and put it out in the real world where I can meet a real man. That man is going to be soooo blessed. He is going to be soooo loved. And he will be REAL.
So, Thank you.