Category Archives: Self-awareness

Confessions of a Bad Blogger


Wow!  I have been a bad blogger!  *Bad blogger*  I haven’t written a post since August of last year.    So much has changed since then.  After much prayer and deliberation, I decided to leave my job at Family First in Tampa to go back into the classroom.  I have been teaching German at Central High School in Brooksville, Florida as a long-term substitute since August 24th.  I applied to Asbury Seminary in the hopes of pursuing a Masters of Divinity, but have deferred that application while I wait to be hired full-time.

While I really miss working with all the great people at Family First, I have to say that I absolutely love being back in the classroom.  I love working so close to home…my commute went from over an hour to less than 15 minutes!  And most of all, I love that I’m able to spend so much more time with my niece and nephew.

I’ve continued to work on my weight-loss and I am currently at 306 pounds…about 75 pounds down from my highest weight.  I haven’t been as dedicated as I should or could have been, but I continue to make positive progress.  In fact, I have been in communication with the casting producers from The Biggest Loser and Extreme Makeover Weight Loss Edition regarding the next seasons of both shows.  I’m also joining a “competition” here locally in Hernando County with a couple of girlfriends.  On top of that, another girlfriend and I are walking together twice a week at one of our local walking parks.  I’m highly motivated and committed to making all the changes I need to in order to reach my ultimate goal of 120-135 pounds and being the most fit of my life.

So, I am sorry for being gone so long.  I won’t make any promises I can’t keep, but I will say that it won’t be so long between my next post.  Also, if you’ve been following my Weight Loss Wednesdays, I’ll be back in the swing next week.

Advertisements

Finding Love: Chasing the Cat


I’ve been single for 46 years.  This isn’t really my choice, but it is my reality.  Part of my personality is to analyze and over think things as I shared in this post.  My love life has not been exempt from this habit of analysis paralysis.  I was talking to a friend of mine at work the other day and she said something that was eye-opening to me and really shed some light on the way that I have always approached relationships.

She told me the story about the time when she was a little girl.  She begged for a pet.  Her parents got her this kitten and she was so excited. She was so happy to have this new little feline friend that she wanted to spend all of her time with it.  She wanted to hold it, to pet it, to dress it up, and to have it return her abundant amount of affection.  The only problem?  The kitten was overwhelmed.  It was terrified and wanted nothing to do with this little girl.  It wrenched free of her affectionate grip and found refuge under the recesses of the little girl’s bed.  Crouching in the farthest corner, the kitten was terrified and shaking.  And my friend, chased the cat…trying to make the little animal love her back, but all the kitty wanted to do was to escape.  My friend was heart-broken.  She just wanted to love the kitten.  She wanted to have the kitten love her back. She envisioned a playmate and life-long friend, but the kitten was in a new place, with new people and the only thing it saw was an invasion.  What my friend didn’t know was that the best way to approach a cat is to relax and go about your business.  The cat will come to you.

So, what does this have to do with finding love?  Well, the fact is that people are more like that little kitten when it comes to romance than many of us realize.  At least more than I realize. About a year ago, I did some soul-searching and ending up fighting with God about the whole me still being single thing.  At the end of everything, I decided to move forward and approached finding love with a kind of military attack strategy.  I joined an online dating site.  Now I don’t know about you, but when I realize that my current approach is not working, I have a tendency to swing, like a pendulum, in the complete opposite direction. So instead of being shy and retiring, I started barreling in head and heart first.  In short, I was chasing the cat.

And just like that little kitten of my friend’s, the men that I met ran for the corner!  Understandably.  I was simply overwhelming them with my desire for a relationship.  And like my friend, I was heartbroken when they ran the other way.  And just like my friend, I didn’t understand. Until she told me her story.  All of a sudden, I realized what I had been doing. In my zeal for love and relationship that might lead marriage, I was being pushy.

I think that a lot of people fall into that trap.  We are so hungry to find love that we throw ourselves at the person we’re interested in.  We smother them with attention and affection thinking that our enthusiasm will translate to becoming a couple.  I wonder how many others are seeing this truth for the first time, too.

You know, when I was younger and so confused about why I was still single, I would ask my older, married friends for insight.  They would all invariably say, “When you’re not looking for it, love will find you.”  That used to really make me angry. I couldn’t see the truth in their wisdom.  I thought, “Pssh!  Easy for you to say…You’re married!”  I thought, “I’ll never not be looking for love.”  But I think that I finally understand.  What they were saying is don’t try so hard.  Don’t push.  Don’t chase the cat.  If you will relax and be yourself, when love is ready, it will find you.

I think that the bride in Song of Solomon has said it best.  This Biblical tome is all about the affections shared between two lovers.  It doesn’t get a lot of pulpit time, but maybe it should.  There are real nuggets of wisdom all throughout.  The beloved bride issues a challenge to women who are longing for romantic love.  In this very short book she says no less than three times,

“Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazelles and by the does of the field: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.”

Even then, she was telling us what my friend learned what the woman in the Song of Solomon was trying to say.  If you are interested in finding love?  Don’t chase the cat!

Personal Short Sales


Please indulge me in a moment of navel gazing.

I’ve been on a sojourn of self discovery and self awareness lately.  The pilgrimage has been an opportunity to view my life with new eyes.  To see myself through the lens of truth has been beneficial, but at times biting.  The first step to being the person that God created me to be…the person that I want to be is being real with myself.  That means coming face to face with my foibles…so I can fix them.  It’s a journey that’s been long overdue, and I’m glad to say that I’ve been embracing it.

I had an interesting conversation tonight.  I was telling my friend how I could sell anything to anyone.  And I believe that.  However on the drive home I had an epiphanic moment…one of those face to face instances that kind of rocked my world.  The truth of my statement was hidden in the phrase that I left off.  “I can sell anything to anyone because I believe in the product.”  Which made me think about all the times I sell myself short.  It doesn’t take a world class jumper to make the next leap.  The reason I sell myself short is because I don’t believe in the product.  Wow!

In my conversation with my friend, I was encouraging him. He’s one of the most amazing people I’ve ever met. He has so much going for him. He’s compassionate, super intelligent, has a great sense of humor, he is empathetic and so much more. I couldn’t understand how he didn’t see those things in himself. As I drove away, I began thinking back on our discussion, and I realized that we had something else in common. I felt as if someone was holding a mirror up before me, and for the first time I could see my reflection clearly.  That’s when I heard the words I was saying echoed back to me…the same words people have said to me so many times. And in that instance, I saw how easily I discounted each encouragement.

And that’s when the light bulb illuminated.

I need to believe in my product. I have been selling myself short, but no more. Watch out, y’all! My fetters have been loosed. I can’t wait to see how different things will be from now. I’m ready for the next leg of this journey.

What about you?  How do you sell yourself short? What will it take to make you see yourself the way others see you?